Its that time of the year again

Usually, at this time of year, I’ve spent an inordinate amount of energy being grouchy, negative and generally a pain in the butt. I may have been all that anyway, but this year I haven’t felt too inclined to shout “bah humbug” at the slightest provocation, and that is due almost wholly to the reintroduction of family to my life.

A potted history of my negativity: Once my parents had passed away, I was left with a partner and the kids, which made Christmas tolerable. Once they left, about 5 years after my parents died, it seemed to me as if there was nowhere I could be which would be acceptable: I was unhappy, and I was lost, without any anchors. In the first year I ran away to the US and stayed there for 6 months, and for the following 8 or 9, I shut myself away and ignored the whole thing. Then I began lunching with a friend who was equally negative about Christmas, but in the meantime my cousin had found me again (I had become lost to the family over those years) and invited me to Christmas lunch with her, her brother, my uncle and the rest of them… extricating myself from the lunches with my negative friend proved difficult, but she then introduced a third to the outings and suddenly it became possible that I might be able to go to a family lunch instead.

And I did. And suddenly there I am again, with people who have known me all my life, feeling as if perhaps there is a place for me, after all…